Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.