Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..