My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*