You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.