So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Need WebMD
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much