[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A dad and his duck
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???