Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.