[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
You know…for fall…
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Cause of death: Zumba
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.