My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.