Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
This raises questions
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.