That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Dear Lord..
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
This is a true ally.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.