ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
drew a comic about my origin story
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Brands during Pride
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Note to self: always read the final line