I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.