*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“Huge”.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried