My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
What if all the cashiers are married?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!