I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You Might Also Like
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.