Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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me before I type out affect or effect
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
a badder mouse
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?