*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
bugs when you lift up a rock
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs