Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.