“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
You Might Also Like
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
😩😩😩
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Oops
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’