You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You Might Also Like
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens