That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Flock of bats
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Beware of fowl play.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000