Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
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DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Holy shit he’s back
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?