ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Looking at you, Jesus.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
No, I don’t think I will.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY