I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon