“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head