Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.