Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”