One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
You Might Also Like
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.