nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.