feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
584.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
bias laundering edition
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have