My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Happy birthday to all the women
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”