I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit