When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Investing in beetcoin
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many