I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
wish me luck lads
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?