[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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TODAY
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?