It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password