I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
drew a comic about my origin story
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Fluff me with a fork baby
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together