ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.