Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)