Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Good news
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips