Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
so i’m at the stock market right
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear