next level snooze
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck