*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh