Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow