I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
O Wise One….
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.