I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
True.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.