My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”