What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Safety first
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.