*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.